Sweet · Pandemonium

im a shit
im a coward
im a maniplating self centred bastard
im a fuck up
im a cunt
im a talentless wimp
im a insignificant speck of dust
im an asshole
im useless
i dont deserve what I have
im a bastard
simple as

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

feeling might frustrated at the moment

everythings just going more and more wrong
and it was all lookin up for a while too
just to come crashing down
bastards

and then i tried to sort things out with some one, and i thin ive made it worse,and they say i havent but now theres nuffing left to say,its all soo, soo open, and so its all outt here to scrutinze and analyse,and sometimes the worlds better without things being said,even if you know it,just, saying it, writing it,it makes a difference,makes it more real. and more and more i realise thats what i cant deal with, things get too real. thats why i drug myself up, make things a bit surreal, turns it into a game, one i know how to play to a degree

i miss pills, i really need to go and get fucked up on e and have a good night out, but i dunno who with, it gets dull and monotonous witht he same people, but i dont know anyone else, especiialy anyone else who'd wanna go ingest class a's and have a laugh.

so im fucked really

ha de fucking ha

really fed up and bored with everything, just letting each day pass by,living each one,never threading them together,its easier this way.

i just feel like scremaing it all out,but that would make things worse, most defintely

everyone seems really down or really distant or not quite right, its weird, its like something has happened and now everyones different. did i miss some big universal thing?

isolation. and empathy, man i hate empathy, when you see someone lookin sad and it breaks your heart,just because they are sad,even if you dont care about them

gaaaah

an inability to find closure,or to really sort things out

major bummer

relaised i havent really seen anyone except the same people for ages, feel ive totally drifted apart from certain people

feelling really tired at the moment, might go sleep soon, but my brother is gonna get some books down from the loft for me
had a few interesting conversations and loads of interesting experiences recently,but cant be arsed 2 go into detail,and could cause trouble if i did, so no point.
some real irony tho
o well, tbh its not really my problem,probably best to keep out of it, haha,hope i take my own advice, im talented at getting into messes

anyways,thats about it for now, too tired to write more

need 2 sort my friendships out, these days i just seem to argue with certain people, need to get that sorted out.its on my to-do list, haha

so's a lot of things.

randomly just gone on an oasis downlaoding binge, even thop my lil brother said he was gonna buy the rgeatest hits album when its out, and ive never really lsitened to Oasis,o well, was something to do, haha

well,got some stuff sorted yesterday,got Big stuff still to sort out,but maybve its bets just to try and ignore the big stuff and sort the smaler stuff yeah?

got gogol bordello tickets too,going with cris t,is gonna be ACE

you ever get to a point in your life where you are soo frustrated and angry at just about everything it makes you want to scream with rage just thinking about it, cuz no matter what angle u look a things its all a big fucking mess and theres no real escape from it,no matter mow much u try and it gets me soo fucking angry, i just want to smash something or someone.
its so hard, i just keep too many secrets to myself and im too much of a stupid weak little pisces, and that annoys me so much, why do i have to be who i am, is that decision made for us,and if so by who, and who the fuck gave them that right, and if not,then why cant i change no matter how hard i try?
i just feel trapped i guess, really trapped and angry and sad and fed up and tired and old and young and cold and dead and painful.
maybe i should just go? like,jump on a train,see where i end up, ive got a bit of money, i could do it, write afew letters, say a few things, then just go, wats to stop me really? i need to break free, that much is obvious, too many feelings, too many memories and dreams, to many what if's and what for's, too many torn up and spat out moments
more and more im tmepted to do that,im gonna get thrown put of college anyway, pretty much definite, so then ill have no whjere to live anyways, so im gonna have 2 go sumwhere.
somehting has 2 be done cuz i cant continue like this, ill just do sumthin stupid(er) and end up casuing even more trouble.
i need to find my safe place,id thought id found it,but now im not sure, i dont think so, so bummer there to
ive pretty much made up my mind, i dunno, its gonna hurt a lot of people probabaly,and i dont want that,but then again, either way im gonna hurt them, might as well do it on my terms...

was a good day today i guess

got stoned with myles, then saw daisy, which was really nice cuz i hardly ever see her and she always makes me smile, and we have fun.
she was a bit sad though,and she was like, wanting to smoke a joint, was weird, but hey, what do I know?
was still really good seeing her, should see her on friday too,along with all the skool people, which will be awesome.

just been for one fat spliff and one PHAT spliff with Chris T

was goooood

short update,but hey

so, I've just listened to Mechanical Animals all the way through,been a while...man, i love that album so much, makes me soo sad but also, its kinda like, a cocoon, theres bits, i can really identify with, even if its all bullshit it feels like it has meaning, and feelings, right now are so important.
i dunno, i would right a really long entry, but a) im scared of what I'd end up spillin out on here and b) im too tired, i dunno, i just feel very bleak right now, its like, i'll wake up feelin ok, then remember I've got college,but tell myself it'll be ok, most days i can smile, and make a few jokes, and sometimes if im REALLY lucky people will laugh with me and not at me, but only if im REALLY lucky... Chris T said it best today, he said to me "I dunno, im just the weird kid, u know wat i mean." it wasn't an insult, it was just,yeah, we are the weird kids in our yeah, but we stick together through thick and thin. funny thing, me and chris, dont think we've ever argued, he's probabaly my best freind, its nice,we are pretty similiar with some things, and totally different in others. its not like how daisy was my best freind, for a start I've never been in love with cris, lol. No,its not as close as me and daisy were, but its better than a lot of my freind ships, probably cuz im a selfish cunt, and I have weird views and im quite needy, so thats not good freind material. yeah, i have to work hard just to go ten minutes without being mocked at skool,a nd work really hard to try and be a good freind, but im not very good at it, again cuz at heart i think im a selfish needy cunt.
now imm liatenin to coma black, "burn all the good things in the eden eye,we were too dumb to run, to dead to die"
I was too dumb to run, I'm to dead to die, this isn't my world, there's no angels,I'll kill myself,to make everybody pay.
i don't mean blow my brains out, just, yeah, whats the point of saying, no, i wont touch that, or do that? we all die anyway, im 1 of over a billion souls living, each one is individual, in the grand scheme of the universe, i dont matter, i can do and put watever i want in my body, who knows, maybe it'll help? it seemed to help others, sur,e most of them are dead, but i think,maybe, as a death, there's worse ways.

"My hearts a bloodstained egg
I didn't handle with care
It's broken and bleeding
And I could never repair"

ok, again I've slightly changed the lyrics there, but O god they speak the truth.

I HATE love, it makes me cry, a lot.

"It never heals, It never goes away"

I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY AND MAKE ME FORGET, OR BLOCK IT AT LEAST, IS THAT SO FUKING MUCH TO ASK?

yea
went to see people at school today, well,old skool, apprently, im a hard drugs dealer, whose got caught by the cops,but i cant roll 4 shit, or so the rumours/gossip ive herad tells me, always nice 2 find summit new about urself ennit?

wasted my day off, cuz im a fukin waste of space

yeah, still lost in my head, as always, cant rmeember before i felt/thought like this, its just, my life now

bummer

"Ugly,awkward,uptight and socially retarded"

thats a quote by Kurt Donald Cobain describing himself, but i dunno, it just stuck out on the page, as if 2 say,this is you.

so there we go.

its terrible, here's this book, tlakin about how smack ruined this guys life, and allt he time im readin it im thinkin, yeha,but it worked in the short term, i could learn from it, not make the same mistakes.

that makes me feel worse

reality fucking sucks

that is all

soo
well, alex is up from london, went to meet him off the train on tuesday after work, was awesome
we gave him a good welcome, hahahahhaa
ended up totally fucked and at his place in erdington, was a fucking awesome night, but major come down and knackered the next day
maybe i do too many drugs?
dunno, multiple highs are fun tho
ha
probabaly not good for me, but fuck it, nothing is apparently.
haha, so, yeah, got a new bass,a little black ibanez, tis cool, and actually in tune, which is good
been playing it loads and finally reaosnably happy with the progress im making, cna actually play decent stuff now.
apparently im in a band, with my mate litle ollie, and heffa, but ollies gone away for two weeks and we aint played toegther yet, so ill pribaably get fired soon as.
o well, can hope cant i?
anyways
yeah, at alex's had this big talk with chris and myles, and we were all pretty fucked offa weed,resin, booze and pills but we had this proper deep talk, and i eneded up telling them a lot, and after is aid it all, which took a couple of hours i was soo angry with certain people, whom im not gonna mention, but they'll know, soon. leanrned a load about myles too, was cool
then alex put his penis on mt head-as you do
that was after he stripped in the middle of the raod down to a pair of swim shorts and then walked home.
had a total attitude change too
im totally fed up off all the bullshit that goes on and has gone on all my life, im tired of being put down and used and fuking messed around with and im oo so tired of constantly having my self esteem ground down until theres fuk all left and im totally fucked up.
its fucking gonna stop, people are gonna have 2 deal with that, if i get the shit kicked out of me for it, o well, least im standing up for myself.
so yeah, big change, noticed it recently, ive been tellin people wta i think
apparently im a dick head, so says certain people, not sure who,but i cna guess, and like i said, they'll find out wat i think soon enough.
maybe i am turning into an asshole? well if people dont tell me how am i suppsoed 2 know? and by tell me i mean back it up ,not just say, chris is a dick
fuckers
realised a lot about myself recently, sounds totally fucked up but pills help me think straight, or clearly at least.
realised i do have a weird way of thinkin, and i am an outcast, and that most of my freinds are, and not self procl;aimed ones, we juts are, we dont try to be, unlike certain people i know.
but for the first time in my life im happy with who i am, and that counts for a lot
yeha im an outcast, but it means im unique, and i have outcast mates
im not a peice of shit and im a better person than some i know
and i do think differently to others, i dont try to be original or different, i just am
and im happy with that
apologies, this is a bit long and random,and my typing aint great
sorry
but no one made you read it :P

just got back off holiday

spent last night camping with my mates in the lickeys, after spending a week camping in devon with family, now goin 2 my dads for a week, fucking joy!

yeah, well, dunno who still reads this, but ive decided to go totally honest on it, and see wat people make of the real me, so, here's somethings for you all to mull over,comment on, scream and yell at me for, watever:

ok, most of you know about my use of drugs, well cannabis, and tbh its got a hell of a lot more frequent, but...it isnt enough, i need sumthing with more edge,and something that suits a purpose more, so, yeah
im gettin some E this week, a couple of pills, gonna drop with my mates, chill, probaably smoke weed too, cuz it makes it mellower/more psychedelic, like, complimentary effects.

yeah, and im also tryin to get hold of some smack,not to inject, to smoke, its a fuck of a lot safer. i know this sounds like a big fucking deal, but its not, im not doin this lightly, ive got a hell of a lot of information, and, i dunno, its hard 2 explain, i need to, wipe out my mind, for a while, to stop feeling.

if anyone wants any info on drugs, chek out this amazing,unbiased site:

http://www.thegooddrugsguide.com/#

also, this one is about chasing the dragon: http://www.drugtext.org/sub/chase1.htm

so, yeah, thats it for now, i warned you about the honesty, feel free to comment

jesus christ but its been a while since i last wrote in here, my typing aint improved tho, and im sitting in the dark so if i fuck up,then im sorry to anyone who actually reads this,does anyone?
fuck it im turning on the light...
ok thats better
haha
well, my exams are all over, i was supposed to give up pot for them, but i fucked that up,think i ended up smoking more than i used to, and now i smoke waay too much,jesus, i was walking round handsworth at 4 oclok this morning trying to pick up, and i managed it,well dec did actually, but anyway,yeah.so thats one major fuck up there.
least ive cut down on fags, not bought a pack in weeks,still scavin off people tho,so not a great improvement.
yeah,im all negative again,just for a change, if anyone calls me a fucking emo i will kill them,well, i wont,but u know, im not. watever.
lots has happned,but nothing noteworthy, er, no, had an rgement with ben, made up, still uneasy, its weir,d like i want some of wta he has and vice versa, we talked about it, s fucked up.
finnaly got a half decent fone, and a computer for my room, my step dad has decided 2 talk to me, and my stepbrother has gone 2 live in news zealand.
me and daisy are talking, well, chatyin i guess, talk 2 her a lot over msn, and seen her in town a couple of times, just walking thru and stuff. its weird,like, i still,after all the shit, trust her a lot, and end up telling ehr things, which is a bit, : S, ha, think that face sums it up. watever, cannot ne arsed 2 sit and write about how i view everyone at the moment, would take forver, and im too tired, i need some sleep, i goota be up at 6:30 tomorrow.
well
that will do for now
dunno if/when ill next update

i could write a lot in here, it's benn sucha long time since I've written in here and I think about a lot at the moment,but right now, i really don't feel like it, so I'm not goin to, it coul be theruputic, but i have other therapies, anyways, yeah, just to let the world know i am still alive, no matter how much, or indeed, little it cares